The countdown to those final months before our Big Move abroad was alternately nail biting and happy dance … happy dance and nail-biting. And the back-and-forth between the two quickened the closer we got to the (fill in the blank) ________ date. Stuff like visas, residency permits, immigration interviews, a place to live, shipping, health insurance, and so on. This, of course, will likely strike a chord for almost anyone determined to cross the pond as an expat/immigrant. And the subsequent stages are very relatable too.
Once landed as an immigrant, a whole new phase kicks in … celebrating the “I did it!” or “We did it!” feat. This “honeymoon” of revelling in the newness of new places, new events, and new food then leads to tackling the “softer” less pressing deadline issues of immigration such as driver’s license, taxes abroad, language, schools, doctors, etc.
And as the settling-in continues, the practical things arise that go along with any move, domestic or otherwise … haircuts and dog grooming, handymen, Netflix – and the real BIGGIE: making friends.
Making Friends – the right friends!
As John Donne, English poet, scholar, and priest of the 1600s, so aptly put it, “No man is an island”. That is, we are social animals who rely on the company and comfort of others in order to thrive (not to be confused with merely surviving).
It’s tricky territory, where we take a giant leap from our old life – leaving friends and family behind – to our new life where we have yet to develop meaningful relationships. A few well-chosen friends are key for us to have a successful thriving adjustment.
So how do we find our people? In the expat community, we can attend countless get-togethers, most over drinks and food, which reflect a kind of speed dating atmosphere. But as we know about dating – bars and drinking are not prime avenues for finding a match.
Because we’re just figuring out the lay of the land, discovering the people who resonate with our values and interests and would make compatible friends can often elude us in our new country. So we have to make extra efforts.
When I got here I knew that I most loved to be around people who, like myself – and as corny as it may sound – reflect on what’s truly important in life, being grateful for what I have and looking at the glass half-full. And I know as a therapist, that wellbeing is supported by staying away from gossip and dwelling on “poor me” stories of things gone wrong.
Know thyself
Before we can make friends, of course, we need to put ourselves in places to meet them. And finding venues that attract people with shared interests is a great way to explore this. I’ve met “friend material” through hiking, dance events, meditation gatherings, retreats, and the like.
To discover these groups and events, technology is our best friend. Social media here in Portugal is huge among expats! Generally speaking, I find those over 40 connect through Facebook pages (such as: “Portugal Conscious Community and Events”) and those under 40 follow social groups on Telegram (for example, in my neck of the woods, “Conscious Events⎹ South Portugal” is popular). Let us know your favorites in the comments section.
But before we go about meeting people with the idea of creating meaningful and authentic connections, it’s helpful to ask ourselves some simple clarifying questions of who we are and what we want (and it’s valuable to capture your answers on paper so you can review and discuss, maybe with a new friend!).
- What human qualities do I like?
- What human qualities don’t I like?
- What qualities am I made up of?
- How do I let others see my qualities and what I feel is important about myself? (Often times this can be demonstrated simply by your interactions with others that show, for example, you’re a generous and fair person.)
What are my interests and hobbies? (for example, volunteering might come to mind)
Finding Your “New Balance”
As we turn our attention to cultivating healthy relationships in our new country, at the same time, we want to get creative in staying in touch with our closest friends and family we said goodbye to.
Again, technology is our strong ally. I never used free voice and video calling (i.e. WhatsApp, Signal) much in the U.S. but now it’s a mainstay for keeping connected to the people I love.
With old friends, we’ll schedule a time that works for both of us, generally a weekend day, late morning for them and mid-to-late afternoon for me. Other expats have told me they have a weekly set time for hopping on video calls. (Do you have ideas? Let us know in the comments.)
Also, I’m a big believer in sharing a quick and simple “love note” when I’m reading an article or see something that I know would put a smile on a dear one’s face. I’ll just shoot them a WhatsApp text simply saying “thinking of you …” and add the link or pic snap. It’s an enriching way to send a beijinho (little kiss) from afar.
Friending: Inexact Science
This friend thing is an inexact science but because friendship is so vital to our well-being, it’s essential to know how to cultivate deep connections with the people we’re drawn to. When it feels right and you’re ready to take your friendship deeper, you can begin having conversations about your TRUE self. If the friendship is primed and the person is trustworthy, they will open up about their vulnerabilities too. If they don’t open up, either the friendship isn’t ready, or it’s time to find new friends.
Becca Williams is settling into small town living in Lagos, a seaside town on Portugal’s southern coast. Contact her at AlgarveBecca@gmail.com
Becca Williams lives in Lagos, a seaside town on Portugal’s southern coast. Contact her at AlgarveBecca@gmail.com.
What's the point in moving to a different country and then surrounding yourself with expats? Better to show integration with Portuguese way of life and the native population
By Charlotte from Lisbon on 04 Jun 2023, 05:27
'English poet, scholar, and priest of the 1600s' and FB group entitled 'conscious events'........! Sounds absolutely insufferable.
By Hart from Lisbon on 04 Jun 2023, 07:04
Not more noncence from the washing line woman. !!!!!!!!
By F from Porto on 04 Jun 2023, 07:50
I moved solo from the US to Coimbra two and a half years ago. I've found various Facebook groups to be very helpful in connecting, particularly the groups for my area (Coimbra Expats & Immigrants and Curious Knights of Coimbra). I've met and bonded with people over drinks and meals, but also through volunteer events and trips/tours of various historical sites. I agree that none of us should limit ourselves to building relationships only with other expats or immigrants. However, until my Portuguese language skills are MUCH better, it's very hard to build relationships with local people. That being said, I do have Portuguese friends who are kind enough to converse in English and/or gently correct my Portuguese. Thank you for the thoughtful article.
By Susan Lindsey from Other on 04 Jun 2023, 09:54
I want to be ok with this, but why is it when Americans move abroad they insist on transplanting their way of life abroad? If its so good why not stay in America? This expat culture can sure be helpful but at the same time is just ridiculous! America is already super segregated and thats not how people live in Portugal or Europe..
By Pedro from Lisbon on 04 Jun 2023, 10:45
Enjoy this beautiful country where it seems many Americans want to live, pay your taxes, stay quiet and don't get sick.
By John Martindale from Algarve on 04 Jun 2023, 13:55
I didn't move to Portugal to be surrounded by Americans trying to turn Portugal into the US. Surrounding yourself with other Americans just delays integration with the Portuguese. And if that is your goal, why did you bother moving here?
By Mechel from Porto on 05 Jun 2023, 11:11
I'd avoid social media like the plague - especially people with Facebook or Twitter accounts - totally superficial and pretentious. They are on there with a stage-managed profile to pretend they lead a glamorous and interesting life, however you define that.
Good luck finding people who don't live their lives at a breakneck speed, always in a mad screaming rush with no free time: full time jobs, caring for elderly parents, or children, constant neuroses over money, shoes, hair, make-up and other superficial nonsense. The big cities attract this sort of person.
I prefer to live life in the slow lane, and truly savour the moment. I'd steer clear of expats , if you want to learn and improve your Portuguese. As a foreigner, the last thing I want is to be surrounded by other foreigners, with a ghetto mentality. I can't think of anything worse than contacting or being contacted by American immigrants on Facebook!
By Billy Bissett from Porto on 05 Jun 2023, 11:37
Well said Billy I agree with you wholeheartedly.!!!!!!@
By J from Lisbon on 05 Jun 2023, 13:57
As a Scot living in Portugal I thrive on having a mixture of Portuguese and non-Portuguese friends. I wouldn't live anywhere else now but I do think that large affluent 'ghettos' of non-Portuguese people should be avoided as it creates tensions and jealocies.
By Russell Taylor from Other on 05 Jun 2023, 14:51
I abhor FB and have never been on it. Even though everyone uses it here. We have not had a problem making friends, Portuguese or otherwise.
I also hate the whole facetime video thing and call my relatives on the phone once a week to keep in touch.
By Lisa from Porto on 05 Jun 2023, 23:05
I can attest that integrating into Portuguese culture can be a challenge. In truth I felt very lonely in my way of finding friendship and it was only through a shared interest group that I met fellow expats and truely felt at home. More than meeting new people it is finding friendship from those of a shared mindset. We always seek to integrate and we are inclusive but whilst the Portuguese language challenge evolve and barrier remains, it is always step by step.
All that being said, I wish there was a bit more content beyond the same outspoken, patronising and self indulgent American view on moving abroad. There are plenty of immigrants from other countries living here with more interesting stories to tell.
By Chris from Lisbon on 06 Jun 2023, 22:33
Poor Becci Williams. Really hard stuff she has to take
By Nick from Lisbon on 11 Jun 2023, 13:02
So is this the reality? I’m going to move to Portugal and be criticized about who I make friends with? I’m supposed to look at people and determine whether or not they are the right nationality for me to befriend? Geez people. Is there no where on this planet we can just live our lives and do our best to get along whoever is around? I want to move to Portugal and live whatever life that leads me to.
Sorry, not sorry, I’ve only ever lived in the US. No, I’m not trying to bring the US to PT. God, no. But, at this point, and for a while after I arrive, IT’S ALL I KNOW. Can you just give me some time and a little bit of grace?? By the time I arrive I will have spent around two years doing my best to read, learn and visit. I’ve been taking Portuguese lessons from a Lisbon native for four months now. I’m doing what I can do, man. I’m not plotting how to make sure I stick with only Americans. I’m not trying to figure out how to replicate my life here in Portugal. But, there will be a big learning curve. I’m a planner and a process person, but I know I will have a lot of adjustments to make on those fronts. I’M WILLING. I WANT TO DO IT. Will I never whine? Will I never complain? Um, of course I will. Do I plan to rant and rave to everyone who will listen? No. I don’t plan to try to change Portugal into anything. I mean, even if I wanted to, I’m simply not that powerful. Based on the comments I read from all the American-bashers who seem to make huge assumptions about the intentions of everyone who happens to come from the US, I guess THOSE are the ones I will be trying to avoid. <stepping down> Go ahead now haters. Really let me have it, put me in my place.
By Robbi Walls from USA on 26 Jun 2023, 05:47
Thank you to the author, who is just trying to HELP people. Thank you, too, to Robbi Walls, for your comments. Since I arrived in Portugal, I've met some of the most wonderful, welcoming people, both Portuguese and newer arrivals. I was really taken aback by the negativity strewn by some of the others. After reading such vitriol, I feel as if I should take a shower....
By Janet Gillespie from Other on 06 Jul 2023, 00:04